My Inheritance

            I continue to light a candle on my ancestors altar. All along though, I have felt a little uncomfortable. I have remembered the ones I knew personally, and thought about the ones who died before I was born. There was poverty, homes evacuated in wartime, disease, early death, alcoholism, emigration, bad marriage, abandonment, estrangement, divorce. There was hard work, always manual labor: farming, fishing, logging, ironing, cooking. I hope there were some pleasures in life, like love and joy, assisted I know by liberal quantities of alcohol. Few that I knew were religious, or very spiritually oriented as far as I could tell. The ones, who survived, prospered and lead comfortable lives in their later years.

However, as I think of them and tentatively petition for their support and guidance, somehow I can’t see many of them in this role. Our connection is too fragile. They didn’t ask for anyone’s help, they survived and they did it stoically and without a lot of spiritual nonsense.  They weren’t, most of them, the image of the wise and nurturing matriarchs and patriarchs. Their old age and deaths were not gentle, transformative, but seemed to be lonely even bitter.

Can I respect them and appreciate them for all their qualities the noble and the flawed?

It occurred to me this week that rather than my seeking something from them; I should be the one giving and sending love out to them. Maybe that really is the point. Again, I find myself seeing the negative in a situation and realize I need to turn it around and create love, compassion, and gratitude in myself.

I haven’t been honoring the ancestors just seeing their faults. They lived, they suffered, and they did the best they could. What is my inheritance? To take what they began, and learn from it. They have already completed their lesson.

Gateway

It’s been a trying time as my efforts at self-healing produce no improvement in my physical being. In fact, the reverse seems true. Each new method added to my experiment begins hopefully. This will help me, I think, but as the weeks go by I find myself becoming weaker and less able.

            Yesterday I thought, I might as well take the Mirapex, I have two sample boxes in my bureau drawer and a prescription from Dr. V. I remembered his assurance that I would be better, his confidence that I’d achieve a return to freedom of movement. I talked about it with my husband Henry. He said he would have taken the medicine immediately.

            I thought and agonized to myself, then I went to the Internet. I looked at the Parkinson Recovery website, an alternate therapy resource. I went to Patientslikeme and read forums on people’s experiences with Mirapex. These experiences were frequently not good. I called and talked with Janet, my PD friend who is drug-free. I consulted the Runes.

            The result is I will be trying a new therapy, Cranio Sacral Therapy, recommended by Janet. I will be meeting with a nutritionist. And I am holding off on any drug taking. The main reason for not taking the drug was eloquently expressed in the Book of Runes. Today, seeking advice in my dilemma, I drew Thurisaz, the Gateway, reversed.

"Drawing Thurisaz reversed demands contemplation on your part. Hasty

decisions at this time may cause regrets, for the probability is that you will act from weakness, deceive yourself about your motives and create new problems more severe than those you are attempting to resolve."

I may be struggling physically, but my mind and spirit are well. I don’t want to damage them in an effort to help my body. And the reality is, it is not a healing drug. There are now no healing drugs for PD. But I still believe in healing, thank you very much. So I stumble on.

On Sub-Atomic Particles

 

I want to recommend a book that should be interesting to anyone who is the least bit curious about the connection between spirituality and health. Larry Dossey’s book, Healing Words; the Power of Prayer and the Practice of Medicine, is written from a doctor’s, albeit a very spiritually-oriented doctor’s point of view.

There have been scientific studies of prayer and it has been shown to be effective in healing. That doesn’t mean that all prayers are answered – it’s more complicated than that, of course. But our minds, our intentions can influence circumstances.            

Dossey says that prayer is non-local -- that it is effective at any distance, and timeless -- that it can affect the present, future and the past. He suggests that prayer functions on the level of sub-atomic particles. Everything, including our bodies contains these particles, and if prayer can influence the particles, then we can through prayer, change the state of our bodies.

In a nutshell, the most effective kind of prayer is non-directed: not seeking a specific outcome. A prayer that asks God, Universe, The Greater Powers or whatever or whomever someone prays to for the best outcome is most effective. That gives God a lot of options, I suppose. Actually, in some cases death might be the best outcome, especially if there is suffering.

As a doctor he doesn’t substitute prayer for medical treatment, but personally he was interested in all kinds of alternative therapies.  In the first chapter of the book Dossey described what occurred during his own illness when he was visited and administered to by all of his New Age friends. For a while, he cheerfully tolerated their attentions.

Eventually, however, my feelings changed. I began to experience an intense craving for solitude. I needed time to be alone and think about what was happening. To my surprise I began to resent the bright, sunny, positive assurances that I’d be well in no time…that each particular therapy was the key to my healing. (p. 20)

Dossey withdrew and began writing and said that this time of “withdrawal and solitude was highly illuminating“ and “realized there were benefits to feeling bad.”(p.21).

 The period of withdrawal, the “quiet way of  being…[was] focused, authentic, genuine, and accepting of any outcome.”(p.23) Eventually he had surgery and recovered, but looking back he found his illness had positive benefits.

I relate to what Dossey experienced. I too feel overwhelmed by suggested treatments and therapies for healing and now am feeling the desire to be alone, perhaps to process all the input--although, I am not really alone. By going within I am trying to be in touch with God, not that I’m even sure what that is. I have been open-minded to all sorts of approaches, and now, it is up to me to choose what I feel is right for me, and with prayer, learn how to listen to my inner guide.

New Year's Runes

While looking through a drawer before New Year’s, I came across the Viking Runes I was given many years ago. I then searched on my bookshelf for The Book of Runes by Ralph Blum* thinking I might consult the Runes as a party game on New Year’s Eve. A horrendous cold discouraged me from any efforts to entertain anyone with oracles, but on the first day of the New Year I curled up on the couch and read Blum’s little book.

            The Runes are not meant to be fortunetellers, but are used as tools of self-discovery. Each day since the first of the year, I have drawn one Rune stone from the bag, and read Blum’s wise interpretation of its meaning. The only problem is that two of the twenty-five stones are missing. Until I replace them, I guess they are not to be part of my inner work.

* http://www.holisticnetworker.com/440/interview-with-ralph-blum-author-the-book-of-runes/

More About Tango

I have been going to tango class twice a week. My teachers, Eileen and Kerry have traveled to meet with both Gammon Earhart and Madeline Hackney, researchers who have been experimenting with the effects of tango as therapy for PD. Eileen is even quitting her job to go full-time into tango therapy.

Today’s class was not a PD class; I am the only one in the class with a health issue. Lately, I’ve been feeling a decrease in the ability to move in the class and am starting to hesitate in going. I might feel differently if others there had my problem.

We were working on the Milonga today, a version of tango that has a certain beat -- bom ba bombom, bom ba bombom— that is like the Habanera in Carmen. The quick-quick step proved very difficult for me. Though I could feel the beat I could not get my feet to do what I wanted. I kept stopping in frustration and was on the point of tears.

Everyone was kind. Each of the three men invited me to keep trying. Jaime told me I did very well (liar), and Shelly made me laugh which helped me relax and do better. After a few minutes of Argentine tango with Norwid I was doing better still. His body is very relaxed and now he is used to my stumbles and hesitations and waits calmly for me to regain my balance. It is amazing to me how at times, I seem to be gliding effortlessly across the floor when I dance with Norwid, who is an experienced dancer.

So with their support and the positive energy of the other women there, I left the class feeling cheerful and looking forward to the next class, though I hope we don’t do the Milonga.

Jin Shin Jyutsu

 

One of my tango teachers, Kerry, is a holistic healer. One treatment she offers is Jin Shin Jyutsu, a type of energy medicine. For about 6 months I was treated by a practitioner of the Donna Eden approach to energy medicine and performed daily exercises longer than that. Qi Gong, which I practice now, is a system of exercises intended to strengthen energy. The PD Recovery team also recognizes energy flow as a component of treatment. I was curious how Jin Shin Jyutsu compares to these other three practices. This month I went for three different hour-long treatments at Kerry’s home.

            At each treatment I lie on a table fully clothed with pillows for my head and knees. Kerry places the tips of her fingers very gently on different points on my body. Sometimes she consults a book during the session. Occasionally, she comments on impressions she receives. During the second session she commented that she sensed a giant awaking inside me.

Today, she began by first putting one hand on the inside of my left ankle while her other hand touched a point on my right hip. She told me that this was the “Skeptic’s” or “Doubting Thomas” hold. When I asked why it was called this she said that it was a very powerful hold and that people who doubted that Jin Shin Jyutsu worked were often converted after experiencing a dramatic shift.

I said I would welcome a shift.

            It just so happened that the two points she was holding were in two areas that were giving me pain lately. After some time holding these points she moved to my left foot and used both hands there. I felt a lot of sensation including a surging kind of feeling, throbbing, and intermittent pain as she touched different points on my foot. She too could feel a lot of movement inside my foot.

            Most of the time, the treatment was gentle and relaxing.

            Unfortunately though, there was no dramatic shift. I went from the treatment to tango class, and amazing to myself, but as usual, I was able to dance, even though I had been struggling to walk earlier in the day.

What a strange enigma.

Honoring the Ancestors

 

On the antique dresser that I so laboriously refinished last summer, breaking a toe in the process, is an assortment of framed photographs. These photos with a large ball candle inherited from my grandma, four clear glass swans passed on to me from my mother and a strand of prayer beads constitute my ancestor altar. There are pictures of those who have passed, grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, including my brother and son.

            Each evening before I go to bed, I light the candle while I try to meditate and pray.

            The Buddhists and others around the world have such altars. As I have tried to reach out spiritually to my son and my brother, I have also begun to remember others in my family more frequently. In a crisis that occurred in my household recently, I found myself calling out in desperation to my ancestors for help. When all turned out well, I thanked them. Now, I have a more formal place to remember them. I do feel supported when I think of those who have lived before me, and whose lives so directly connect to mine.

            … In the beginning of the year and when it ends,

                        we remember them.

            When we are weary and in need of strength,

                        we remember them.

            When we are lost and sick at heart,

                        we remember them.

            When we have joys we yearn to share,

                        we remember them.

            So long as we live, they too shall live,

                        for they are now a part of us, as

                        we remember them.

From a Jewish prayer, in Life Prayers From Around the World; 365 Prayers, Blessings, and Affirmations to Celebrate the Human Journey, Elizabeth Roberts & Elias Amidon