Contemplating Happiness

After two weeks of a dose of .75 ml. I started on 1.5 ml. of Mirapex. There was a return for two days of mild nausea and drowsiness, but that has passed. Yesterday I had a busy day and felt energetic with no need of a nap. I was up at 6:00 a.m. and bed at 11:30 p.m. (though I did briefly doze off watching a movie that evening). This morning I am walking well, planning to work in the garden and do household chores as much as I can on what promises to be a very warm and humid day.

            I have wanted to read a book on the brain and have begun reading Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert’s, Stumbling on Happiness. It’s marvelously funny while describing the complexities of the human mind. The book is quite different and even in some ways oppositional to other books I have read recently, but perhaps it melds with my new, albeit half-hearted acceptance of modern science and drugs. The Mirapex roving through my system is supposed to be honing in on my brain’s dopamine function. I am amazed that the manipulation of a tiny process in my brain that by the way, I don’t understand is producing such a dramatic difference in my life.

            I feel happier in a physical way, because at the times I am using my body it is moving more smoothly with less effort. Before the Mirapex I was feeling happy in a spiritual way, some of the time, because I was working, through meditation and other methods, on acceptance, gratitude and awareness of the present moment. But when I found myself trying to do tasks and struggling with them, I became discouraged. It’s hard to be happy when your options in life are so limited.

            I am beginning to hope that I can do some of the things in the future that I thought were unavailable. My frontal lobe, the portion of the brain that plans for the future, is enjoying imagining my prospects, though my recent training has me focusing more on happiness in the here and now.

Five Days In

What really pushed me off the high board was talking with two guys at the PD Tango class. Both are older than me and are on a levadopa medication, Sinemet. Wayne said he was like me, not taking drugs, and walking with a cane. After starting the Sinemet he “got his life back.”

“Look at me,” he said holding out his arms, “I’m normal.”

Walter plays golf and had just gone 18 holes carrying his clubs.

Now it’s been five days since I started the Mirapex. Mirapex is an early Parkinson’s medication intended to postpone long-term use of levadopa.  I am clearly improved even in this short time. Oddly enough, I am doing the best in the evening. By early afternoon I need a cup of coffee, but otherwise I’m feeling well. On the third day I went to a restaurant with my son and walked in and out without assistance, like “normal.” I used the electric cart at the supermarket today, but I actually considered whether I needed it or not. I did need it as I was scuffling this morning.

            I am curious to see what comes next. The pleasure of improvement is outweighing the feeling of guilt for giving in and taking the drug. For now, I am pleased.

A Big Decision

I've been having a terrible time walking lately, even just around the house. I do little baby steps and use a stick, or stumble and lurch if I want to go faster. I can skip though, even run a little, and dance, oddly enough. I have two new dance classes. One is Argentine tango for PD, the other is PD dance developed by the Mark Morris Company, a Brooklyn based modern dance troupe. I also started morning Qi Gong classes with Ruth, so I’ve been quite busy with classes, all with the goal of healing myself. Yet, I keep going downhill, with symptoms worsening.

            So, three days ago I found myself holding a little white pill in the palm of my hand, agonizing about whether I should take it. For the past 24 hours I had been extending the question to the higher powers hoping for guidance, a message: should I take drugs or not? With the Mirapex in my hand I was still not getting a message, unless it was the fear I was feeling, or the certainty that this was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Like standing at the end of a high diving board trying to decide whether to jump or not, I ended it by suddenly, impulsively, taking the leap and popping the pill in my mouth. I rationalized, I can still change my mind. I can stop at one pill.

            I closely monitored my body’s reactions. That afternoon I grew bleary with sleep during co-counseling as I tried to listen to Meryl for a half an hour. I experienced feelings of nausea and lots of hiccups. In the middle of the first night I woke up with terrible nausea and on the way to the bathroom became blind with dizziness. I curled up on the bathroom floor. When I tried to rise, it happened again. I felt like I was dying. I thought if this is what the medicine does to me I’m not taking anymore.

            When I woke up in the morning I felt fine. I decided to give the medicine more of a try. I felt short periods of nausea again the second day, but nothing terrible. I did notice a slight improvement in my walking. I was able to walk carrying a half full watering can, something I had trouble with two days before. This seemed incredible – the doc had said it would take two weeks before I felt any change, if then, but today the third day, I definitely see improvement in my walking.

            However, there are serious side effects to be wary of. I have put my family on alert, and I plan to continue the experiment to see if the benefits of the drug outweigh its possible dangers.

Work Continues

 

The weather has turned, but I am still mostly indoors. Even walking into the yard to see what new flowers are up is more than I can do most of the time. My walking is awkward and strained.

            I practice conscious walking with Kinhin. I noted today how amazing it is that we shift weight and balance the entire vertical mass of our bodies on one foot at a time in order to walk. How much easier if we had 4 legs like most animals! I bought a pair of walking poles to gain that advantage. For a few days I made a daily walk down the block with the poles until my right ankle began to hurt at the same time as my left toes began hurting as well (I think I have hammer toes), and so I cut back on the walking.

            I continue classes. That gets me out almost daily though I must drive and my recalcitrant right foot is reluctant to make fluid reactions on the pedals. I try to talk to my car and ally myself with her, and say a little prayer that we will arrive at our destination safely.

            I have attended Andrzej’s Qi Gong class one evening each week, which I’ve enjoyed. I also started a class in Tai Chi Chih with Siobhan because she also knows Qi Gong and I wanted to meet her. I liked the Tai Chi Chih and thought it had potential to be beneficial so I decided to take the series. This shortened form of 19 movements and one pose is simpler to learn than other Tai Chi forms. Siobhan is a merry sort of person and makes it fun.

            One evening a week I attend a Re-evaluation Counseling class and I meet once a week with another student or the teacher for practice sessions. I have already had insights during these sessions, but don’t know if I have accomplished “discharge,” the goal of RC. I sometimes have insights during my daily meditation/prayer, so one would think by now I would be changing. Perhaps I am. Not enough to squash the PD, but that is the goal. Working at it from all angles, I can perhaps gain a handhold and rip it out of my body. Or, if I work at it and loosen it enough, maybe it will just fall out with a little nudge. I’ll keep at it.  

My Meeting With Andrzej

Andrzej is a bald, 65 year old, gnome-like man who teaches and treats people using traditional Asian therapies. He was Sharon’s shiatsu teacher and she gave me his name when I told her I was looking for a teacher for qi gong. He conducts classes nearby and I met with him this week expecting to take his class. Instead of the class, which was canceled, Andrzej talked to me and evaluated my body to try to understand what’s wrong with me.

            Andrzej is the antithesis of Master H. He took his time and asked me many questions. He held my hand while we talked. His eyes and touch were gentle. When I told him about the bruises on my back from Master H, he thought that that wasn’t right. He said my muscles were already tight and that painful massage would make them more so.

            His conclusion is different from others in that he suggests the lung meridian is the problem area for me. Other sources I have consulted have suggested the stomach or the liver meridians are pertinent to PD. He also said that he thought my son’s death had the effect of shocking and causing a contraction in my system that developed into this illness. He gave me a few very simple exercises to begin, such as holding acupressure points and some simple movements.

            Also in contrast to Master H, after spending almost 2 hours with me, Andrzej wanted no payment. I insisted I at least pay him the $15 that his class would have cost.

            I’ve been thinking; I may try to see Andrzej again, or at least take his class.

Master H

I have been searching for a teacher for qi gong and I found Master H, a fifth generation Chinese qi gong master. Although a 45-minute drive away and fairly expensive, I thought I would meet him at least once for therapy and maybe take a class with him.

            His studio was in one of the remaining suburban houses converted to offices off the main drag of a commercial strip. The living room level of the 60’s era split-level was a mirrored studio. There I met the receptionist, while on the other side of the room, Master H sat at his computer. After filling out and handing back the requisite forms, Master H said, “Ready?” and we ascended to the bedroom level.

            “How long you had Parkinson’s?” After I answered he told me to lie on my back on the massage table. He worked on my torso, spending most of the time pressing my abdomen after directing me to distend my belly then exhale as he pushed. Very uncomfortable, but worse was when I turned over and he began work on my back. Pressing hard on various points on my back, he might give me a minute’s break then return with seeming even greater force. At the second break I said, “OWWW…” and he said, “Very strong?” I agreed, then he went at it again for a total, I’m guessing, of 20 minutes until I was groaning. The very worst pain was when he pressed two points at the base of my skull for about a minute.

            Finally, after several attacks on my back and a few forays on my head and feet, he began rubbing ointment and pressing objects onto my back. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was cupping. “What does that do?”

            “It takes out toxins and dampness.” The ointment burned and smelled like Tiger Balm and perhaps it was. He threw a blanket over me and left me for 20 minutes.

            Master H returned, silently removed the cups, rubbed my back roughly, and then said curtly, “Done.”

            “Can I ask you a few questions?” When he nodded I asked if there were any exercises he’d recommend.

            “Buy my book, also I have a DVD.”

“But are there any exercises good for Parkinson’s?”

            “All exercises. I have treated 20 people with Parkinson’s. Nobody cured, but symptoms improve, trembles go away. Can only hope.” He recommended his fasting class, that fasting would be good for me.

            I bought his DVD and drove home. That night when I went to bed I felt some discomfort in my back. I looked in the mirror. There were 6 red circles on my back and bruises arising that by morning were darker yet. So I wasn’t being a wuss. That was serious pain, but I would endure it again if I knew it would help me. I believe however, that qi gong exercise will suffice.

Re-evaluation Counseling

When I lie on the table for my FSR treatment once a week, inevitably I end up talking to Sharon about what I’ve been thinking, and lately, this past year, I have been thinking a lot about my life. Sharon seems concerned that she may not be qualified to advise me about some of my problems. So, she expressed relief when I told her I was investigating Re-evaluation Counseling, a peer-counseling system developed by Harvey Jackins.

             Cousin Leslie told me she has been involved with RC for years, thought I might benefit, and gave me a contact person in my area. Not long after I contacted the person, an introductory meeting was arranged at Sandra’s house. After learning more about the theory of RC, and practicing counseling each other, three of us, June, Meryl and I signed on for a 10-week class with Sandra.

I have had several opportunities to practice RC; the longest session was today when Meryl came to my house and we took turns speaking and listening for half an hour each. The theory is that we all are “loving, cooperative, intelligent, and zestful,” but these qualities become blocked by accumulated painful experiences. If emotional discharge can be affected, these qualities can be restored. In a counseling session, laughing, shaking or crying might achieve emotional discharge.

In RC, a person is free to talk and express himself or herself in a private session with a partner. The partner offers no feedback or advice only listens. As intelligent beings, Jackins deems that we ourselves are most qualified to solve our own problems, if we are not burdened with emotional baggage.

With a timer set, I easily talked for my half hour. I felt afterwards that I had been given a gift -- to be able to speak freely and be listened to with no apparent judgment. I think I’ve been needing that.