Can I Cope?

Life is change, no getting away from it. And would we want it any different? If nothing ever changed, even the most charmed life could become dull and lifeless.

My big change is the arrival of my 91 year old widowed mother who has moved in with my husband and I. She always intended to move in with us when her husband died, and we always promised that she could. My mother-in-law after all had lived in the back "mother-in-law" suite for years before she died at 81, but she was healthy and mobile for all that time until the last few months when she was in a nursing home. 

However my mother is not getting around well and in fact, can't manage to care for herself. She can't fix her own meals, do laundry, clean, shower, or take her own medications.

My mother begged to come live with us. "I'll give you all my money!" she implored. "It's not the money," I told her, "I don't think we can care for you properly." I thought of all it would mean to have her with us, the changes to our home logistically, the time we would need to devote to her care. I said no.

Eventually I relented, and after an overhaul of the downstairs bedroom, we moved her and her possessions and incorporated them into our household. She's been here since the end of April, and since then she's been to the dentist twice, an internal medicine doctor, a podiatrist, physical therapy twice a week, and this week, she sees a psychologist, an oral surgeon and a hair stylist for a permanent. I spend quite a bit of time making appointments and filling out health forms as well as all the daily needs of someone who is disabled. 

I think I've attended a Rock Steady Zoom once since she arrived. There's no time, and she's in the space I'm accustomed to using to do it. I tried to follow a yoga workout while she dialed a friend and chatted next to me for the duration.

So I record this now to see if this life change will have an impact on my PD symptoms. So far I am okay. I still, usually, do morning exercises and qigong, but no cardio. So much else though is falling by the wayside as I focus more on caring for my mother. Perhaps there is a reward for doing good works for an aging parent; perhaps caring for others is a self-healing act. Or is it, take care of yourself first before you try to care for someone else? A little of both I think will strike the right balance.

15 Years With PD

Yes, it's anniversary time! Celebrating 15 years since I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. 

I can celebrate because I'm still kicking, literally kicking in Rock Steady Boxing, and I can't complain; I'm feeling happy and fairly hearty. 

Zooms have been incredibly helpful to me. Boxing on Zoom, drumming on Zoom, Shakespeare for PD on Zoom, and the internet and computer to find and save files of lectures like the Qi Summit workshops on qigong. I feel a  part of these communities, some of which were essentially formed because of the pandemic.Today I joined a PD live health and  exercise Zoom called PD Prime. I'll try out the various classes for 30 days before i have to pay.

So I celebrate my body, my brain, my heart that are all functioning, with not perfect utility, but splendidly for such a dire prognosis: "It's progressive, you'll get worse and worse until you die." 

Well, some things are worse - my handwriting, my jumpy legs and feet, the ache in my legs when I walk (not always though), but most symptoms are stable or even better. I have not increased medications,  I sometimes take less. But if I forget to take it - that's a no-no. I can be dragging my feet at the supermarket or trembling as I try to conclude a sale at the art co-op if I go too long without a dose. 

I am thankful and figure I must be doing something right. However, if I did MORE, more of the right things, less of the wrong things, how much better might I be?

The 3 Centers

In my last post I wrote about what I am doing to develop my mind and emotions with the intention of ultimate healing from Parkinson's disease. You may say, what do the mind (brain) and the emotions (heart) have to do with what is a disease of the body? And isn't it true, you also may say, that there is no cure for Parkinson's?

I choose to have hope and believe that there is a possibility of healing from this disease, though honestly, I don't know that I will be able to. I think it takes a great effort, and I may not have the strength or will to achieve total healing. But I believe that most illnesses are a product of stress of some kind, and the mind and emotions play a role in responding to stress. So I add them to my portfolio of health strategies with a goal of stemming the progression, at least, if not totally healing from Parkinson's.

Almost all the physical activities I take part in have an overlap with either mind or emotions or both. Rock Steady boxing for instance, has a social, group aspect (heart) and challenges to the brain too, usually coordinating the body with the mind, such as remembering a sequence of punches or steps. The program is designed to be a whole body exercise including emotional and cognitive exercise.

Qigong (chee-gong) is the perfect integration of mind, heart and body. Relaxation of and awareness of the body are key. It's meditative exercise, some of it moving, some in stillness. Some practitioners of qigong visualize energy (qi) entering and healing their bodies and toxic or stale energy being swept away. Others focus only on the sensations of their body, in their physical heart, brain, gut. As I learn and get deeper into qigong practice, I try both approaches, and think they can be done simultaneously.

More to say about all this... next post. 

Confidence

Since my last entry, more than a year ago, I have been relatively stable - not progressing much, maybe improving in some ways while slipping in others. I credit it to the work I do on my whole self. By that I mean all my centers: head, heart and body. I think it is essential to address all three in order to heal, or that's what I've learned. 

I enjoy the head part. I like to read and have a time in the morning that I read more challenging material such as biography, history, poetry, philosophy, religion, any non-fiction. I discover new ideas, thought provoking ideas, inspiring stories, but some readings are not to my liking. I discovered that I hate Nietzsche. 

During the day I may read the newspaper or a magazine. At night I read a novel, always in bed before I go to sleep.

Another head activity I enjoy is writing as you might guess. I keep a daily journal that I feel compelled to write in every morning. It really is a compulsion. My memory is such that I can't remember what I did the day before, so that is one reason I keep a journal - to remember. But it is also a heart activity. I need to write to understand and calm my feelings.

For the head I also like to play games and puzzles: Scrabble, crosswords, anagrams, and solitaire by myself, and card games, board games, and any kind of game with other people. And this last kind of mind activity also leaks over into the heart side. Being engaged with others is both a mental and emotional activity. We like to compete, challenge ourselves, and we really like to laugh, all of us love to laugh, and games are a great way to stimulate that.

For heart really it is being with people, nature and animals. I will sacrifice any plans for a friend. If I have some private plan of my own for a day I will put it aside if a friend wants to meet, or talk. Sometimes I do it grudgingly at first, but am always glad I did. What could be more important than spending time with a friend?  Grocery shopping? Exercise class? Housework? Cooking, eating? 

Being in Nature is more heart healthy work. I don't go out as much in the winter, but getting out to see sky, sun, clouds, breath fresh air, walk on the surface of the earth, to ground oneself is essential to wellness, so I bundle up and go. 

And being with animals is healing. With our pets the nonverbal, the heart-based interaction makes  us more compassionate. I feel my heart going out to the old, tired cat who we are caring for despite the extra attention he needs. He is another being, just like the bug or the tree or the mountain. I feel my heart pause when I slam the bug in the bathroom. After all, it was alive a moment ago and now it's not. Soft-hearted yes, but I think that's a good thing. I never used to think about it. Now I feel regret for the smallest thing.

 (to be continued)

artwork by Pousette-Dart

Drumming and Humming

I haven't written for a long while, not because I have nothing to say, but because my typing is so bad. I practically have to fix every word. It's frustrating and slow. Even worse is my handwriting though I write everyday in my paper journal. I write a word and I realize it is illegible. I try to fix it and end up by making it worse, so I cross it out and write it again. Sometimes it still looks illegible.    

I read back over my journals, what could be more interesting to me than to reminisce about all my life's occurrences? It is to me. None of it is important in relation to the world and all its dramas, comedies and tragedies. My life is a small drop in the ocean, but it is part of the ocean. We are all part of the same ocean, as Ming Tong Gu says, "an ocean of energy."

My qigong studies continue, and now I am leading a Zoom qigong group every Tuesday morning. For some reason people like it; I have regulars who show up every week, sometimes as many as twelve, but more often only six.  I have three different practice sequences that I know by heart to work with, and I've added things, like self massage and energy warm ups as I feel my way through the challenges of teaching.

I practice by myself everyday. I take an hour or so as soon as I get up in the morning. I've gotten to be quite disciplined about it, but not rigid. There are times when it's neglected, not routinely though. I find myself thinking about the Zoom class as I practice alone, how to improve what I am doing, to communicate more clearly and so forth. It sometimes distracts from what I should be doing - concentrating on my own body, mind, and being. Lately I've tried to incorporate sound healing every day, and standing meditation (but I often sit instead of stand).

Added to the qigong I have started taking a Zoom class in yogic drumming that I really think is good for me and my condition. 

All in all I'm feeling pretty good and happy most days. I have discouraging times, when I find I've lost some ability, like not being strong enough to swim in the surf, or ride a bicycle without falling, or play my ukulele.

It makes me sad to lose these things. But they are going gradually, one at a time, and I adjust. I concentrate on what I can do, and am very grateful when I can add new experiences to my days, that I'm not totally worn out yet! 

Persevere, be persistent! Onward in the effort to overcome and conquer! Parkinson's Disease, I'm not afraid of you!

What I've Lost - What I've Gained

 What I've lost:

      clear, fluid speech

     short term memory

;    long term memory

     nimble fingers, hands, limbs

     facial expressiveness

    35 pounds

What I've gained:

        better discipline

        improved physical fitness

        acceptance

        more appreciation

        new awareness

        true friends 

         

I could add and probably will add other Losses and Gains as I think of them. This is me NOW. I'd like to be more specific and give examples - but later.

List making can be a useful tool.

    

    

   

    

Progress

I feel like I am progressing in reverse, which is exactly what I want to do.

I'm very hopeful.

The western medical establishment declares Parkinson's to be a progressive disease, but I don't believe it. The progress I seek is toward healing, not towards deterioration. 

when my eyes only needed sunglasses

I had cataract surgery, successfully completed, but with a lot of time and effort stretched over two months. It started after a call on an opthamologist about my sore eyes. I was told I had chronic dry eye, apparently a symptom of PD (I blink too slowly my opthamologist said). And then I also learned I had operable cataracts. I'm happy I can see much better now.






I added two more supplements. to my regimen. One of them is for the chronic dry eye, called "Vision Alive." I've taken it for over 6 weeks now. It has compounds from bilberry and blueberry. and for the first time in a long while my eyes are not sore when I wake up in the morning, or during the day, except if I  use the computer too much, or watch a long show on the TV.

a painting from many years back

The other one is a probiotic, made from plants. it contains bacteria subtilis, which I had read is useful in removing harmful bacteria found to be numerous in the gut of Parkies. The bad bacteria may be the cause of the disease.












It's worth a try,  I thought, even if it's only been tried on mice with PD. Since starting it, about the same time as the Vision Alive, I have reduced my daily dose of CL from 5 to 4 to 3 pills/day.
It has only been a few days on the lower doses. I can't draw definite conclusions yet, but as I said, I'm hopeful. I'm on the path.

landscapes are from Block Island

That Healthy Glow

I love this cartoon; the patients face and glow. and the face of the doctor. The doctor reminds me of my first neurologist who was so displeased when I did not take my medication. I was not doing as well as this fellow, but nowadays I feel pretty damn good, much of the time.

Is it the supplements such as high dosage B1, is it the Rock Steady Boxing, the morning reading and writing, the time to do what I wish and time to rest, the daily qi gong practice, the Re-evaluation Counseling or is it the medications, the carbidopa levadopa and Gocovri?

Maybe all of it.






But this is an undoctored photo my husband took of me doing qi gong. I was facing the rising sun.


Is it the sun, or is it a photo of me bathing in the ocean of light? I wonder.

China Qigong Retreat

My teacher in China Jianshe, a wise, smiling man in his mid 50's who speaks English well, but with a thick accent, is a practitioner of Zhineng qigong, or Wisdom Healing qigong. It is the same type of qigong as taught by Ming Tong Gu in New Mexico, but I found their approaches to be quite different.

Jianshe

The main difference is in the way the two teachers approach the practice. Ming Tong Gu suggests visualizations to strengthen the feeling and flow of qi through the body, such as a flood of light or an ocean of energy washing over and through your body. Jianshe says, no visualizations! Nothing! Jianshe says, the most important thing is to relax your body. Which should I do? I am experimenting with both: emptying my mind of thoughts, visualizations, and allowing my mind to project images. Actually, it seems they can work alternately in one practice - I do both.

Jianshe often mentioned Anita Moorjani, whose talks and book share what she learned about life and healing while in a near death coma. She saw the truth, he said. The Truth. I've listed her book in the sidebar.

the Center

Traveling to China is much farther to go than New Mexico, but the total two week retreat cost plus airfare proved to be less to go to China. Everything seemed to cost less in China, though shopping was not a big factor on the trip.

All meals were supplied, and was extremely healthful, cooked by our young Chinese chef, Yan and his father-in-law, Bai, who was driver and purchaser as well. The fare was local vegetables and fresh tropical fruit, rice, wheat noodles, tea and coffee with an occasional bit of chicken or fish.

foreground l-r: Yan, Jenny, Bai 

Bai's daughter, Yan's wife Jenny, was the other English speaking teacher at the center, and the fourth member of Jianshe's team.









Our typical day the first week and even during the second week when we traveled to other locations on the island of Hainan was this:

6:00 coffee or tea if you wanted
6:30 walk or bike to the beach for qigong practice or else on the roof: Lift Chi Up Pour Chi Down
9:00 breakfast
10:00 meet with Jianshe for Chi song, La Chi, talk, question and answer
12:00 lunch
1:00 rest/freetime
3:00 varied: qigong eye exercises, visit to a local site, calligraphy lesson, tea ceremony...
6:00 dinner
7:30 varied: sometimes the group would practice together on the roof or inside, or go out for a beer

qigong at the beach

The weather in April was very hot and humid in Hainan, the very most southern part of China. They said unseasonably so, but that it would be much worse in summer. So our group, consisting of six German women and two American women from northern states suffered greatly from the heat and  we probably spent more time in our air conditioned rooms than we might have otherwise. It was therefore, a restful, even lazy, retreat.

Jianshe relaxing at the coconut farm

Since leaving China, I have continued to practice the Lift Chi Up... movements daily. I was able to finally memorize the sequence by the end of the two week retreat. I have a routine. Each morning after I make my bed, and drink some water, I sing the Chi song, with Ling Ling on a recording or by myself. Then I either do Yin Yoga, or some qigong warm up movements that I learned at a recent "Slow Yoga and Qigong" retreat at Kripalu. Then the movements one time through. I follow this up with a daily reading from "Courage to Change," writing in my journal and reading a book that I can learn something from. Now I'm reading about understanding poetry.

All of this is in my bedroom where I have created a quiet, peaceful corner for these activities.
Occasionally, I have done other qigong practices on my own later in the day, and I go once a week to do a short practice with a friend or two, along with a YouTube video. It's not enough. I am doing well, someone said I looked "radiant" recently, but I know I need to do more. PD is not so easy to
overcome. I need to keep pushing on.

The retreat group plus friends

Gongs, Bongs and B1

Working on my health from various angles, I can share three new strategies I've been using to heal myself. I am not healed, but I am doing damn well most of the time.

First, the qigong: I have completed two gongs, 100 consecutive days of a chosen qigong practice. It's a contract you make with yourself, to without fail, practice everyday. If you miss a day,  you do twice as much the next one. If you miss two days, you start over again. I did not let myself miss two days - God forbid!





To continue on with qigong, I need to think of another gong. For now I am lost in the dark days of winter, dealing with family issues and making casseroles, taking a break from studio work and some days even from qigong. However, now I feel I need it in order to feel well. That's what a 100 day gong can do!


In April I am traveling with another lovely lady to the tropical island of Hainan in China for a qigong retreat. It lasts for 2 weeks, and like my last retreat with Mingtong Gu in New Mexico, we will study Zhineng qigong, a qigong practice developed by the famous Dr Pang of China's Medicineless Hospital. It is a long journey to China from New Jersey, but worth it, I hope, for a deeper understanding of qigong and of myself.







The second strategy is pot, the bongs in this post's title, I now have a Medical Marijuana license to obtain the weed from a nearby dispensary. That will be a new adventure right there. I will meet with a counselor first to determine the best strain of cannabis for me since the various strains have different effects. They will be selling bongs and pipes and papers too, I suppose. I have tried it before and I believe in its value for emotional healing.




The third new therapy I am experimenting with is high dose Thiamine or B1. Dr. Constantini in Italy believes it can be used for PD, to slow it down or reduce symptoms. He works with me by email and since he doesn't write English, we use Deep Translator to communicate. I have tried different doses and it seems we have found the right one now, because I am feeling so well.

It's a new year. I have much work to do to beat my adversary - the Parkinson's Diagnosis. I want to win.

Past Lives

I have always wondered, is this our only life to live and does death mean the complete end to our soul or consciousness? Or after death do our souls rise to heaven, or sink into hell or somewhere in between? Or alternatively, are we reincarnated into a new body and continue? And if that's so, have we lived another lifetime before our current life?

Petroglyph ridge, New Mexico

I went to a therapist for Past Life Regression Therapy to get some answers. I had read an article about the emotional causes of PD, and the author suggested that past lives regression therapy could be helpful in reversing the disease. I found through the internet a list of therapists, but only one near me that seemed active. I called her and straight away she told me her fee. Did I still want to proceed?
I did.







After a long drive I arrived in Media, Pennsylvania and the old stone house that is both Carol Bowman's home and office. We climbed two flights of narrow pie stairs that spiraled up to the attic, lit by skylights and a window overlooking a garden shaded by large trees.


Carol interviewed me, taking notes as I answered questions about my current issues and my history from childhood until the present. From her notes she extracted a list of themes. She read them aloud and after several repetitions I narrowed the list to one theme: "They will hurt me."

Then it was time to do the regression. Comfortably settled in a reclining chair, soothing music playing softly, she led me through a guided meditation. Then I was to think of my theme and notice what images came to mind. I had a brief flash of a silhouetted girl's figure running away from the woods. It was very flat and colorless, and no other images. She asked me questions about the girl and I tried to open my mind, but it was guesswork, supposition only, as I expanded on the story. What was she afraid of? A man. Who was the man? Her father. And so on, but it didn't feel true. It wasn't working and finally I stopped and told her so.



We talked for a long while after, she's a lovely woman, and we agreed that I'm a "hard nut to crack."
I knew that before I went. I suspected I might not be a good candidate for regression, hard to hypnotize, hard to open up, resistant. My conscious mind was willing, but something inside keeps me from "cracking."

Sudden Insight, by EH

I am reading Carol Bowman's book now, and I wish I had before I saw her. "Children's Past Lives," is a personal account of her experiences and her study of past life regression. It has convinced me that there is something in us, a soul, spirit that transcends death and can reincarnate in another human form. This is proved by the memories of past lives that can be accessed during trance states. Carol writes that one's past lives are connected to the present, and can have a negative effect on our health. If  there are unresolved issues in the previous life, or one has experienced a sudden or violent death or horrible illness (not uncommon in the history of mankind), they can manifest in different ways in the present. Past life regression therapy is the process of healing present life illnesses, phobias, and other psychological issues by remembering the events that triggered the phobia in a past life, seeing one's death* and aftermath and thereby working through and erasing the negative effects in the current life.





Carol Bowman's own children were the inspiration for her book. Both her son and daughter almost effortlessly recalled past lives and were cured of phobias and even physical conditions after regressions, with no negative consequences. Even though the memories at the time of regression were painful, the children bounced back, happy and carefree.

Remarkable and convincing - what I write may not be, but Carol's book is.

Now what? I meditated this morning and thought of a theme for my problems that might be more appropriate. "I am frozen." Could an event in one or more of my past lives somehow be causing my Parkinson Disease symptoms? Would I be able to find out on my own, without a therapist? I have some exploration ahead of me.

Artist unknown

* People experiencing regressions describe floating above and viewing their own dead body, or seeing a light as do people who have had NDE's, Near Death Experiences.

In the Chi Field

All summer I have continued to practice Wisdom Healing qigong as taught by Mingtong Gu. I practiced on a cruise in Alaska's Glacier Bay, in a cousin's apartment in London, in an inn on Block Island, and at home, in time completing a "100 day Gong." This "gong" meant I practiced every day and if I missed a day, I would have to double the practice time the next day. If I missed two in a row I would have to start over. I finished the 100 days in late August.

Alaska

My resolution or promise for this gong was to do the preliminary practice called "Awaken Vitality," a sequence of exercises. After learning it by heart I could practice it anywhere, hearing Mingtong's voice in my head, and giving it as much attention as I could.

Block Island

Sometimes I rushed through or my mind was elsewhere, sometimes I was focused and had a more deep experience, and sometimes I practiced along with a recording of Mingtong's that slowed me down and challenged me with more repetitions of individual exercises.

London

My goal was to establish this as a habit, and in that I have been successful. At the end of the day I don't feel quite right unless I have practiced.  My long term goal is total healing of my body. To do this Bianca Molle says she did three hours a day of Wisdom Healing practice including movements, meditation and sound healing. I want to continue, to add new practices, and to increase the time I do the practice.





One of Mingong's students who has become a teacher was offering an online course for not much money. I had liked Vivi when she was an assistant teacher at retreat, her guided meditations and incredible energy and stamina impressed me very much. I completed her short class of four three-hour sessions and some coaching sessions. I asked her via computer what she thought I should do next, and she said, meditate on it. I could intuit the best step that was right for me.

So I have started a new gong, added meditation and sound healing, and also a new series of movements called "Lift Chi Up Pour Chi Down." The LCUPCD is a slow, meditative, standing sequence, not as strenuous as the AV practice, but more subtle, fluid and linear. The arms direct chi into "gates" in the body, places where energy enters the body as in the Baihui, the top of the head, or is stored as in the Dantian, the center of the abdomen.

And what results have I seen? Ah, they are subtle. I do think my symptoms have remained stable and not progressed, my medications have been slightly reduced, and I have an increased connection to my body. I can feel sensations in my body from focusing on areas including specific organs like my brain or heart and an overall awareness of energy within and without my body - the subtle energy.

I have a long way to go, but am hopeful. I am working on it, and sticking with it. That's an accomplishment for me. Stick-with-it-ness has not been my strong point always.

Home 

Chi Center Retreat - First Week

Chi Center first day

(An excerpt from the journal I kept while at the Retreat)

From the airport in Albuquerque I was driven by van to the Chi Center along with two women, Ingrid and Pat, who were also headed to the "Intensive Healing Retreat" in Galisteo, New Mexico.

Greeted and checked in by the friendly Lin, I explored the property. Everything is very dry and brown. Junipers and scrappy trees and bushes grow on the hills, surrounded by distant mountains. I hear there are Indian petroglyphs on one rocky hill that we can walk to.

The center itself is many southwestern style buildings of a former spa, and was purchased by Mingtong Gu two years ago. He uses only some of the buildings that have been refurbished. There is a dining hall and kitchen building with a porch and veranda and walled yard. 

Reception and dining

entrance to the Kiva

The Kiva, where all the sessions take place is a large, round building set into the earth. You go down steps to get in, removing shoes before going in the door. 

I am staying in the Ranch House which has a deep porch, lovely to sit in and gaze at the landscape. Two other women, Joyce and Shelly, share a room with me.

Ranch House courtyard

On the first full day, we had 7:00 a.m. qigong movements led by two teachers. After breakfast, Mingtong arrived. The very first thing we have did was to “hugger” someone. His English is sometimes amusing, and "huggering" is just one example. 

He talked for a long time, and also led some movements. He is, we are told, transmitting healing energy as he speaks. However, we are responsible for our own healing - he is only showing us the way.

Chi nap in the Kiva

Just before lunch we did some partner work on the 3 A’s: Accept, Activate, Appreciate. I worked with Shelly who is now my “chi buddy.”

A “chi nap” followed lunch. We all lay on mats in the kiva, all 40 of us, but I didn’t sleep a wink. As the time ended, Mingtong began chanting healing sounds and all joined in. These sounds vibrate and stimulate specific organs in your body. Some sounds are short and some are long, and are made as loudly as you're able. The kiva vibrated with sound.

Then we got up off the floor at last and music began. Mingtong urged us to move our bodies, he himself vigorously pumping his arms and legs, wheeling all around to first, flowing sounds then R&B music. Most people were smiling joyfully, and dancing with abandon.

Later, we broke into two groups. One group went with Mingtong for a walk in the lowlands, and my group went with a teacher to the labyrinths on the hill. 

From there you could see that the center is out in the middle of a wide basin, surrounded by distant mountains, some capped with snow. The small town of Galisteo (pop. 150) is nearby, but not much else in this high altitude desert. 

We walked the labyrinth, a complicated knot that took time and hence gave an opportunity to meditate. I carried with me a stone and thought about my intention. The stone represented something in my life I wanted to leave behind. At the center of then labyrinth was a pile of stones. I placed my stone on the pile and took another, this replacement representing something I wanted to attain. 

Dragon Hands 

Mingtong took questions after dinner as we sat as before in a circle of chairs inside the kiva. I shared that my wrist was in a brace the day before and was much better after the "Dragon Hands" exercise that afternoon. I had noticed with amazement that it hadn't hurt since.

Last night and tonight the evening ended about 9:00 with a healing session. In the healing session, a  person, comfortably settled on a mattress and wrapped in blankets, lay in front of Mingtong, who sat on his chair on the daiz above her. The rest of us lay on mats with our heads all pointing towards the healing. Tonight, my friend Ingrid from the van ride was the patient. Mingtong, in a deep voice chanted words in English and Chinese. When it was over and Mingtong had slipped out, we all quietly left the dimly lit kiva and went to bed

Day 2

This was a day when people began to respond emotionally. Tears and sobbing during sound healing especially. Mingtong gave an inspired lecture that went overtime, a real marathon in which with eyes closed he expressed “primal” thoughts. During the long talk, I dozed in and out, but toward the end I knew something extraordinary was happening and I listened closely. Much of it I couldn’t understand, but I let the words in, knowing that I would hear him repeat the same ideas again another day, another way.

He ended by assigning the golden silence. We would not speak during lunch. And we would chew our food until every morsel was dissolved in our mouths.

The silence continued into the Chi nap, (and this time I slept) and into the afternoon session of dancing, exercises and evening sound healing. And it has not been withdrawn.

Shelly showed me the way to the grandmother tree, a wonderful, huge, multi-trunked cottonwood. I gave the tree a long hug, feeling its powerful energy.

Today I took one less Carbidopa levodopa pill than usual.

Day 3

Mingtong talked again into the lunch break, while we were supposed to be silent.

There was some fun in joyous, but silent prancing and playing around outside with two women, Ingrid and Peggy during one break. 

More breakdowns in the kiva. Maybe we all will have one.

We learned some new exercises, and ended the afternoon early with a walk in nature, in silence still. I walked with Shelly to see the petroglyphs, a tough climb on scrabble slopes and through barbed wire. The view was gorgeous, of desert and mountains, the petroglyphs very ancient, simple symbols, a hand and animals.

Day 4

Another dry and windy day. 

With my chi partner, we discussed challenges in our lives and strategies to address them. We also talked about what we noticed we had accomplished so far in the retreat. For me it was that I took two less carbidopa levodopa pills today, and that I was feeling some signs of energy movement in my body. 

petroglyphs

The added event was a slideshow with talk from Mingtong in the evening. In the course of it he said honestly, that Americans were not as responsive to qigong healing as the Chinese, but he still had hope. That was discouraging to hear, even with his caveat.

Day 5

Swinging emotions today from social interactions.  First the pleasure of sitting down to lunch at a table outside to catch up with Pat, and being joined by Wendy, a very sweet Parkie with tremor and no meds who I’ve gotten to know, then by Shelly and the teacher Adrian and last Kelly, a teaching assistant. It was a joy to feel comfortable, included and liked by these people while sitting in the warm sunshine.

dining room

It went downhill starting with dancing when I was off my meds and felt out of the “in” circle - the boisterous women flinging themselves about freely and playing off one another. I realized I often feel like an outsider, and I have felt that on and off here on the retreat. It’s an old hurt from my youth.

Mingtong would say, “embrace the feeling.” 

Other than that I felt very good about my focus in all aspects of Qi Gong. I didn’t do as well with the PD, I took only one less pill instead of two.

Day 6

A more emotionally stable day, all my writing and thinking about the social issue resulted in a more casual approach. I was friendly to those who rattle me, and made new friends at meals.

After morning practice and breakfast we found that the kiva had rows of chairs for a live streamed session of meditation and brief practice. The local community was invited to attend and there were perhaps 10 who participated. Then, those who had been asked or who wished to, came to the front and shared their retreat experiences. Some were quite emotional, some described their ailments and struggles or the rigors of retreat, but all were positive in their praise for Mingtong and qigong.

This was the last day for people who signed up for a one week retreat. Peggy and Ingrid, my two silent dance partners left. Mingtong ate lunch with us, talking especially to the doctors in the group. He is hoping to make Qigong more available in hospitals.

Shelly and I went for a nap, and later had an informal practice in the kiva. With four young people, we practiced along with a Mingtong sound healing recording, then did Dragon's Hands.

Day 7

Free day. I could go into Santa Fe but preferred to save money and stay here and “integrate” myself. Rest, Mingtong said, integrate. Be in nature.

Analisa and I on the ridge

I did. I hiked twice up the ridge to the petroglyphs with different people.

Since the first week is over, what has been my progress? In the aim of getting in touch with my own body, connecting the different parts such as the brain and the heart, and actually feeling these areas, I have made slight progress. 

In visualization exercises such as visualizing the energy field emanating from my body in all directions, I am able to create a vague sense of one. It tries my patience though, to stand, eyes closed, listening to the same or similar words over and over again, to imagine my energy extending to “fill this room, into the community, over the mountains, to the ocean and to the horizon,” stretched out in slow soothing sentences, repeated for front, back, left, right sides of my body - it takes a long time.

I am struggling with this practice.

I do see an improvement in my ability to sit or stand still and to focus. My mind does drift in and out, but my body posture and stillness is something at least. Will one week get me further?

The movements such as the one holding your arms up called "Spinal Bone Marrow," and "Fetus," when you tuck into a ball standing on your feet, are excruciating when they are extended for long periods of time. “Embrace the pain,” we are told, it’s "activating the energy" in our bodies. I agree it does, but fun or pleasant it is not. But I do it because I want to get well.

Will the next week make a difference, can I make better progress, can I “make my best effort,” as Mingtong urges? I am trying. I am. Try harder, says I. 

Haola! (the mantra here meaning all is well, getting better).