Contemplating Happiness

After two weeks of a dose of .75 ml. I started on 1.5 ml. of Mirapex. There was a return for two days of mild nausea and drowsiness, but that has passed. Yesterday I had a busy day and felt energetic with no need of a nap. I was up at 6:00 a.m. and bed at 11:30 p.m. (though I did briefly doze off watching a movie that evening). This morning I am walking well, planning to work in the garden and do household chores as much as I can on what promises to be a very warm and humid day.

            I have wanted to read a book on the brain and have begun reading Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert’s, Stumbling on Happiness. It’s marvelously funny while describing the complexities of the human mind. The book is quite different and even in some ways oppositional to other books I have read recently, but perhaps it melds with my new, albeit half-hearted acceptance of modern science and drugs. The Mirapex roving through my system is supposed to be honing in on my brain’s dopamine function. I am amazed that the manipulation of a tiny process in my brain that by the way, I don’t understand is producing such a dramatic difference in my life.

            I feel happier in a physical way, because at the times I am using my body it is moving more smoothly with less effort. Before the Mirapex I was feeling happy in a spiritual way, some of the time, because I was working, through meditation and other methods, on acceptance, gratitude and awareness of the present moment. But when I found myself trying to do tasks and struggling with them, I became discouraged. It’s hard to be happy when your options in life are so limited.

            I am beginning to hope that I can do some of the things in the future that I thought were unavailable. My frontal lobe, the portion of the brain that plans for the future, is enjoying imagining my prospects, though my recent training has me focusing more on happiness in the here and now.

Five Days In

What really pushed me off the high board was talking with two guys at the PD Tango class. Both are older than me and are on a levadopa medication, Sinemet. Wayne said he was like me, not taking drugs, and walking with a cane. After starting the Sinemet he “got his life back.”

“Look at me,” he said holding out his arms, “I’m normal.”

Walter plays golf and had just gone 18 holes carrying his clubs.

Now it’s been five days since I started the Mirapex. Mirapex is an early Parkinson’s medication intended to postpone long-term use of levadopa.  I am clearly improved even in this short time. Oddly enough, I am doing the best in the evening. By early afternoon I need a cup of coffee, but otherwise I’m feeling well. On the third day I went to a restaurant with my son and walked in and out without assistance, like “normal.” I used the electric cart at the supermarket today, but I actually considered whether I needed it or not. I did need it as I was scuffling this morning.

            I am curious to see what comes next. The pleasure of improvement is outweighing the feeling of guilt for giving in and taking the drug. For now, I am pleased.

A Big Decision

I've been having a terrible time walking lately, even just around the house. I do little baby steps and use a stick, or stumble and lurch if I want to go faster. I can skip though, even run a little, and dance, oddly enough. I have two new dance classes. One is Argentine tango for PD, the other is PD dance developed by the Mark Morris Company, a Brooklyn based modern dance troupe. I also started morning Qi Gong classes with Ruth, so I’ve been quite busy with classes, all with the goal of healing myself. Yet, I keep going downhill, with symptoms worsening.

            So, three days ago I found myself holding a little white pill in the palm of my hand, agonizing about whether I should take it. For the past 24 hours I had been extending the question to the higher powers hoping for guidance, a message: should I take drugs or not? With the Mirapex in my hand I was still not getting a message, unless it was the fear I was feeling, or the certainty that this was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Like standing at the end of a high diving board trying to decide whether to jump or not, I ended it by suddenly, impulsively, taking the leap and popping the pill in my mouth. I rationalized, I can still change my mind. I can stop at one pill.

            I closely monitored my body’s reactions. That afternoon I grew bleary with sleep during co-counseling as I tried to listen to Meryl for a half an hour. I experienced feelings of nausea and lots of hiccups. In the middle of the first night I woke up with terrible nausea and on the way to the bathroom became blind with dizziness. I curled up on the bathroom floor. When I tried to rise, it happened again. I felt like I was dying. I thought if this is what the medicine does to me I’m not taking anymore.

            When I woke up in the morning I felt fine. I decided to give the medicine more of a try. I felt short periods of nausea again the second day, but nothing terrible. I did notice a slight improvement in my walking. I was able to walk carrying a half full watering can, something I had trouble with two days before. This seemed incredible – the doc had said it would take two weeks before I felt any change, if then, but today the third day, I definitely see improvement in my walking.

            However, there are serious side effects to be wary of. I have put my family on alert, and I plan to continue the experiment to see if the benefits of the drug outweigh its possible dangers.