Spiritual Matters

I don’t know if I am a spiritual person, that is someone who has developed their spirituality or is innately spiritual, but I have been spending more and more time involved in study of spiritual matters.

            Recently, it was prodded by the Santa Cruz group, the PD Recovery therapists. When I visited them in 2010 the spiritual aspect of healing was pervasive in their approach, particularly from JJ who has a wide-ranging knowledge of religions and spirituality. Two of the fundamental instructions they gave me were to meditate and pray daily, and I have tried to do so, with varying regularity.

            But earlier in my life, beginning in the mid 80’s, I was part of a study group that discussed the writings of George Gurdjieff, whose teaching is called the Fourth Way. The Fourth Way is a system of self-development. I also met privately with the group’s teacher who did bio-energetic work based on the psychotherapist/researcher Wilhelm Reich’s ideas. I still highly respect all of these teachings, but I don’t know that they took me very far in my own development. Perhaps I was just dabbling, or something kept me from truly absorbing and healing from the teaching and therapy. Reich would say it was “armoring.” 

            Adding to my list of spiritual explorations, I have for the past two weeks gone to Sunday meetings of the Buddhist Meditation Group in my town. I know and recognize one person only - Linda is in my clay class and told me about the group. Who they all are and where they come from I have yet to learn, but I met with them in the living room of an ordinary house for meditation and chanting. Last time we also watched a video with Anam Thubten Rinpoche, the guru I assume, for this group. Whether I will persue this long term or drop it as I have so many other practices remains to be seen. 

            Exploration continues.

A Psychic Medium Show

I don’t know what to believe about psychics and mediums, but I recently went to a psychic/medium “show.” I truly didn’t expect to communicate with deceased loved ones, or even angels as it was promoted, though I wasn’t averse to doing so either. I waver on the line between skeptic and believer. However, I had passed the anniversary of the death of my son the day before so there was a certain consciousness of death being present around me.

            Arthur was waiting seated before an assembly of a few attendees when I entered, talking casually about his profession. Eventually when the seats were filled he began a description of how he came to be a psychic/medium and told anecdotes about accurate predications he had made and verifiable spirits with whom he had communicated. Lots of jokes gave it the feeling of an entertainment, which it was.

            In the next part of the show he came to each of us in turn to give a reading. He said that he might be getting messages for anyone at anytime. Even though he might be talking to another individual, if what he was saying seemed to fit someone you knew who had passed on, you should raise your hand.

            As Arthur did with each of us, when it was my turn he took my hand. He crouched down to look at me – I was sitting on the floor – and described a child’s game, the cup and string telephone. I looked at him and shook my head. Then he suggested simply, “The Little Rascals?” I shrugged my shoulders. “Yes, we watched The Little Rascals…” Behind me a woman’s arm shot up. As she did several other times that evening, she said she thought the message was for her.

            Arthur came back to me after talking with the woman, giving her a message from Uncle Joe, or whomever. I gave him my other hand jokingly, suggesting that that one might work better. He stood and holding my right hand, looked off into the distance before saying to me directly, “I see a lot of criticism around you when you were growing up…. it stunted you.” Then, “You have trouble expressing emotions – not angry or mad – but expressing your feelings to other people… you should say what you mean and mean what you say.”

            He talked to everyone in a general way about how children are damaged, by their families mostly. Then he gave me one last message: a prediction. “I see you in a black church, with black people singing. It’s very excited singing, they have their hands in the air.” I nodded my head as he spoke. “I bought tickets!” I told him. I had a day or so before bought tickets for a performance of Neshana Carlebach with the Pleasant Fields Baptist Choir. The choir is from the Bronx and they are all black.

            Last night, I went to the concert and joined the choir in singing joyfully and raising my arms above my head.

            I have been thinking about what Arthur said, about my childhood and my trouble expressing emotions. It had truth to it. And I have been wondering about the toy cup telephone and The Little Rascals and what else would have been said if I hadn’t been so wary, so skeptical. Is it possible it actually could have been the beginning of a communication from a nine-year-old boy?

The Wallflower

 

I’ve turned 55. I think that still qualifies me for Early Onset PD. I don’t know. There is also Early Onset Alzheimer’s. Unfortunately one of my in-laws was recently diagnosed with it. Understandably, she is depressed. It makes me feel actually blessed to have PD.

            I have decided to walk more, especially since I can thankfully. In the fall, of course, it’s a wonderful time to walk. If winter proves harsh I have my stationary bike installed now amongst the plants in the greenhouse or my Gazelle in the bedroom to keep up the momentum. I have been going to Gentle Yoga classes twice a week, and Tango on Pine Street at least once a week.

There was a Tango Festival at the University last week. I signed up for one workshop and biked up there despite a bad ankle after window cleaning that morning. I quite forgot about my ankle and did fine dancing with college boys and visitors from out of town. In the practica following the workshop, I stuck it out for and hour dancing with one of my Pine Street classmates and one fellow from Maryland. Then I sat and watched the couples dancing. I noticed that everyone was much better than I. There were lots of men and very few women lining the walls of the room, but no one seemed very interested in dancing with me - maybe because I was cringing with embarrassment. I noticed my ankle was sore again and slipped away. I heard later from my teachers that the level of skill at each evening Milonga was high, so it’s just as well I chickened out, though I had seriously considered going to one. I’ll keep taking lessons though, and who knows, one day I too may be wowing the wallflowers.

What's Next?

 

It seems I have reached the peak and slid down the other side, but just a short way. I am functioning well at the same dosage as before, however my walking, for instance, is not as impressive. I struggle and shuffle at times. I haven’t been able to keep up a smooth walk for very long although I was able to a couple of months ago.

            I don’t want to get into an analysis of my symptoms here – a dreary description of my defects. Instead I wonder - did I think I was going to be maintained forever at the same level I was early in the drug treatment?

I had read in J.J.’s book and elsewhere that PD drugs lose their efficacy over time. I had no idea how long the Mirapex would be effective, the doctor would not tell me, and while I was enjoying the benefits I didn’t fret about my eventual decline. I don’t now. I am doing well, so much better than pre-Mirapex; only the idea that I could return to my job is less plausible.

Perhaps this journal now becomes a record of drug therapy. Will I go on to increasing my dosages until they are so high that I must shift to a new medication bringing with me new symptoms and side effects gained from the drug? Or will it be all good – a steady progression of falling into new ways of treating the disease with palliative drugs?

Or will I find that continuing with meditation, prayer, and working to change from the inside out will facilitate genuine healing? It has become harder to do this work these days. I’m distracted by all the things I can do physically. My old manic energy wants to reassert itself and take me away. I pray that it won’t, but it wakes me and keeps me awake in the middle of the night. It is that powerful.

Improvements

 

I have been active. I have been energetic. I have returned to being - almost - the person I was before Parkinson’s. My tango and biking skills have improved, and best of all I can walk. I don’t have to take the power chair to get to the bank or the library. I can walk. I can take Molly for a walk on the leash, or stroll with my husband. I won’t write about what symptoms remain.

            The physical improvements have excited me to take on projects – clay being one of them. I’ve found myself working sometimes all day in the studio. I signed up for a clay class to get some expert advice in all aspects of building, glazing and firing. There’s just too much to learn by myself, and I am definitely in need of teaching.

            Another project is some renovation – a kitchen remodel. It is in the beginning stages and quite consuming of my brain. I am very involved with all the details. I hope my contractor can stand me.

It is very typical of the Parkinson’s personality to get obsessed with a project or two or three. I think though that I have learned a little during my contemplative times recently to be more balanced, less adrenalin-driven, more relaxed. My husband and son commented yesterday about what kind of mother and wife I am. They said I was “nice.” This may not be the most effusively complimentary thing to say, but for me it seemed big because I don’t think they would have said that a few years ago. So perhaps I am learning something. Perhaps I am learning to change.

Summertime

This summer has been hot with lots of sun. My routine has changed in accordance with the season, for multiple reasons. My teacher husband is home, and my high school son (part of the time). I have a garden that calls out for early morning care. I have returned to working in the clay studio. And I am taking a drug that enables me to take on activities that were previously untenable due to Parkinson’s.

            So my prayer, meditation and Qi Gong have slipped by the wayside being replaced by shifting daily activities. Only occasionally do I fit them in. As far as “energy work” I have continued in practicing Reiki. I used my studio table to do Reiki eight times with four different people. I also participated twice in an “energy share” with other Reiki and energy workers. During a share you practice on another person and they in turn practice on you, sharing experience and knowledge with each other. In the last share, Larry was my partner. He uses crystals and other stones in his work. Very interesting.

            I had a suspicion I might drop away from some of my healing exercises when I started taking a drug. Instead I am doing things I love. Could that be healing, too? My husband and I took our bikes on the ferry to Block Island and stayed for a few nights - riding, hiking, and swimming. We hadn’t planned this trip. It became possible though with the Mirapex.

            If I continued my routine would I have seen improvement? Would I have healed, become symptom-free if I’d only stuck with it longer? I still intend to change. I have begun a serious examination of my inner workings and my relationship with God that is not ended. There may well come a time when the drug is no longer necessary.

Happy

 

After one month of Mirapex I visited my neurologist, Dr. V. Thankfully, he made little comment about my delay of 8 months between his writing a prescription and my taking the medication. I resisted taking medication longer than that, and now I feel rather guilty at times for giving in. Yet, I am happier now that I can again do things, and though perhaps some of these things are not productive towards healing myself (still my goal), they at least allow me to feel I am contributing.

            For instance, I am cooking more. I joined a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) and every week pick up large quantities of produce from the farm, at this time of year a lot of greens. So, I clean and stem bunches of kale or collards and fix nourishing recipes to entice lovers and haters of vegetables.

            I have worked more in the garden and this year have a tidy and lush garden, a quite inspiring place.

            Instead of asking the men about the house to clean or do chores, I have been able to assume more tasks. Washing dishes isn’t the excruciating, time-consuming job it was before the medication.

            I can write again, and fill out the endless forms for camp.

I can forget my glasses at the other end of the house and think nothing of walking back to get them.

If it sounds as though I am touting the glories of medication, and in a way I am. It is like a miracle. If in the long run it turns out this was a big mistake I’ll be sorry, but for now, I am happy.

I Am Attuned

Reiki is energetic bodywork, adhering basically to the same theory as other Eastern systems that I’ve studied. Last Sunday, Michele, a Reiki Master with Rena, her student teacher covered the first level of Reiki with me, the only pupil. I observed a treatment, and after being attuned in a short ritual intended to open me up to to receive cosmic energy, tried giving a treatment. I also received a Reiki treatment. Since the class I have practiced on two people - my son and my mother out in the studio where I have set up a table that is very tranquil and private.

            Reiki addresses the phenomenon of blocked energy, which in theory, impacts overall health by stalling the natural movement of energy through the body.

            In a Reiki treatment, the practitioner lays both hands gently on areas of the body i.e. the chakras. While the hands remain in place there may be sensations, visualizations, memories, or thoughts that arise in both the practitioner and the recipient. For me, I am focusing on the person’s intention, what they want from the session, and largely trying to sense the energy in my hands and in the area of the person’s body I am working on.

            What I like about it so far is the opportunity it gives me to focus on energy and feelings particularly in my heart. My heart is responding quite noticeably – a kind of whirring sensation sometimes. The act of trying to channel cosmic energy through myself, my hands and into someone else’s body is a potentially very powerful exercise. For me it’s similar to the meditation I practice, except I am not alone.

Contemplating Happiness

After two weeks of a dose of .75 ml. I started on 1.5 ml. of Mirapex. There was a return for two days of mild nausea and drowsiness, but that has passed. Yesterday I had a busy day and felt energetic with no need of a nap. I was up at 6:00 a.m. and bed at 11:30 p.m. (though I did briefly doze off watching a movie that evening). This morning I am walking well, planning to work in the garden and do household chores as much as I can on what promises to be a very warm and humid day.

            I have wanted to read a book on the brain and have begun reading Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert’s, Stumbling on Happiness. It’s marvelously funny while describing the complexities of the human mind. The book is quite different and even in some ways oppositional to other books I have read recently, but perhaps it melds with my new, albeit half-hearted acceptance of modern science and drugs. The Mirapex roving through my system is supposed to be honing in on my brain’s dopamine function. I am amazed that the manipulation of a tiny process in my brain that by the way, I don’t understand is producing such a dramatic difference in my life.

            I feel happier in a physical way, because at the times I am using my body it is moving more smoothly with less effort. Before the Mirapex I was feeling happy in a spiritual way, some of the time, because I was working, through meditation and other methods, on acceptance, gratitude and awareness of the present moment. But when I found myself trying to do tasks and struggling with them, I became discouraged. It’s hard to be happy when your options in life are so limited.

            I am beginning to hope that I can do some of the things in the future that I thought were unavailable. My frontal lobe, the portion of the brain that plans for the future, is enjoying imagining my prospects, though my recent training has me focusing more on happiness in the here and now.

Five Days In

What really pushed me off the high board was talking with two guys at the PD Tango class. Both are older than me and are on a levadopa medication, Sinemet. Wayne said he was like me, not taking drugs, and walking with a cane. After starting the Sinemet he “got his life back.”

“Look at me,” he said holding out his arms, “I’m normal.”

Walter plays golf and had just gone 18 holes carrying his clubs.

Now it’s been five days since I started the Mirapex. Mirapex is an early Parkinson’s medication intended to postpone long-term use of levadopa.  I am clearly improved even in this short time. Oddly enough, I am doing the best in the evening. By early afternoon I need a cup of coffee, but otherwise I’m feeling well. On the third day I went to a restaurant with my son and walked in and out without assistance, like “normal.” I used the electric cart at the supermarket today, but I actually considered whether I needed it or not. I did need it as I was scuffling this morning.

            I am curious to see what comes next. The pleasure of improvement is outweighing the feeling of guilt for giving in and taking the drug. For now, I am pleased.

A Big Decision

I've been having a terrible time walking lately, even just around the house. I do little baby steps and use a stick, or stumble and lurch if I want to go faster. I can skip though, even run a little, and dance, oddly enough. I have two new dance classes. One is Argentine tango for PD, the other is PD dance developed by the Mark Morris Company, a Brooklyn based modern dance troupe. I also started morning Qi Gong classes with Ruth, so I’ve been quite busy with classes, all with the goal of healing myself. Yet, I keep going downhill, with symptoms worsening.

            So, three days ago I found myself holding a little white pill in the palm of my hand, agonizing about whether I should take it. For the past 24 hours I had been extending the question to the higher powers hoping for guidance, a message: should I take drugs or not? With the Mirapex in my hand I was still not getting a message, unless it was the fear I was feeling, or the certainty that this was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Like standing at the end of a high diving board trying to decide whether to jump or not, I ended it by suddenly, impulsively, taking the leap and popping the pill in my mouth. I rationalized, I can still change my mind. I can stop at one pill.

            I closely monitored my body’s reactions. That afternoon I grew bleary with sleep during co-counseling as I tried to listen to Meryl for a half an hour. I experienced feelings of nausea and lots of hiccups. In the middle of the first night I woke up with terrible nausea and on the way to the bathroom became blind with dizziness. I curled up on the bathroom floor. When I tried to rise, it happened again. I felt like I was dying. I thought if this is what the medicine does to me I’m not taking anymore.

            When I woke up in the morning I felt fine. I decided to give the medicine more of a try. I felt short periods of nausea again the second day, but nothing terrible. I did notice a slight improvement in my walking. I was able to walk carrying a half full watering can, something I had trouble with two days before. This seemed incredible – the doc had said it would take two weeks before I felt any change, if then, but today the third day, I definitely see improvement in my walking.

            However, there are serious side effects to be wary of. I have put my family on alert, and I plan to continue the experiment to see if the benefits of the drug outweigh its possible dangers.

Work Continues

 

The weather has turned, but I am still mostly indoors. Even walking into the yard to see what new flowers are up is more than I can do most of the time. My walking is awkward and strained.

            I practice conscious walking with Kinhin. I noted today how amazing it is that we shift weight and balance the entire vertical mass of our bodies on one foot at a time in order to walk. How much easier if we had 4 legs like most animals! I bought a pair of walking poles to gain that advantage. For a few days I made a daily walk down the block with the poles until my right ankle began to hurt at the same time as my left toes began hurting as well (I think I have hammer toes), and so I cut back on the walking.

            I continue classes. That gets me out almost daily though I must drive and my recalcitrant right foot is reluctant to make fluid reactions on the pedals. I try to talk to my car and ally myself with her, and say a little prayer that we will arrive at our destination safely.

            I have attended Andrzej’s Qi Gong class one evening each week, which I’ve enjoyed. I also started a class in Tai Chi Chih with Siobhan because she also knows Qi Gong and I wanted to meet her. I liked the Tai Chi Chih and thought it had potential to be beneficial so I decided to take the series. This shortened form of 19 movements and one pose is simpler to learn than other Tai Chi forms. Siobhan is a merry sort of person and makes it fun.

            One evening a week I attend a Re-evaluation Counseling class and I meet once a week with another student or the teacher for practice sessions. I have already had insights during these sessions, but don’t know if I have accomplished “discharge,” the goal of RC. I sometimes have insights during my daily meditation/prayer, so one would think by now I would be changing. Perhaps I am. Not enough to squash the PD, but that is the goal. Working at it from all angles, I can perhaps gain a handhold and rip it out of my body. Or, if I work at it and loosen it enough, maybe it will just fall out with a little nudge. I’ll keep at it.  

My Meeting With Andrzej

Andrzej is a bald, 65 year old, gnome-like man who teaches and treats people using traditional Asian therapies. He was Sharon’s shiatsu teacher and she gave me his name when I told her I was looking for a teacher for qi gong. He conducts classes nearby and I met with him this week expecting to take his class. Instead of the class, which was canceled, Andrzej talked to me and evaluated my body to try to understand what’s wrong with me.

            Andrzej is the antithesis of Master H. He took his time and asked me many questions. He held my hand while we talked. His eyes and touch were gentle. When I told him about the bruises on my back from Master H, he thought that that wasn’t right. He said my muscles were already tight and that painful massage would make them more so.

            His conclusion is different from others in that he suggests the lung meridian is the problem area for me. Other sources I have consulted have suggested the stomach or the liver meridians are pertinent to PD. He also said that he thought my son’s death had the effect of shocking and causing a contraction in my system that developed into this illness. He gave me a few very simple exercises to begin, such as holding acupressure points and some simple movements.

            Also in contrast to Master H, after spending almost 2 hours with me, Andrzej wanted no payment. I insisted I at least pay him the $15 that his class would have cost.

            I’ve been thinking; I may try to see Andrzej again, or at least take his class.

Master H

I have been searching for a teacher for qi gong and I found Master H, a fifth generation Chinese qi gong master. Although a 45-minute drive away and fairly expensive, I thought I would meet him at least once for therapy and maybe take a class with him.

            His studio was in one of the remaining suburban houses converted to offices off the main drag of a commercial strip. The living room level of the 60’s era split-level was a mirrored studio. There I met the receptionist, while on the other side of the room, Master H sat at his computer. After filling out and handing back the requisite forms, Master H said, “Ready?” and we ascended to the bedroom level.

            “How long you had Parkinson’s?” After I answered he told me to lie on my back on the massage table. He worked on my torso, spending most of the time pressing my abdomen after directing me to distend my belly then exhale as he pushed. Very uncomfortable, but worse was when I turned over and he began work on my back. Pressing hard on various points on my back, he might give me a minute’s break then return with seeming even greater force. At the second break I said, “OWWW…” and he said, “Very strong?” I agreed, then he went at it again for a total, I’m guessing, of 20 minutes until I was groaning. The very worst pain was when he pressed two points at the base of my skull for about a minute.

            Finally, after several attacks on my back and a few forays on my head and feet, he began rubbing ointment and pressing objects onto my back. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was cupping. “What does that do?”

            “It takes out toxins and dampness.” The ointment burned and smelled like Tiger Balm and perhaps it was. He threw a blanket over me and left me for 20 minutes.

            Master H returned, silently removed the cups, rubbed my back roughly, and then said curtly, “Done.”

            “Can I ask you a few questions?” When he nodded I asked if there were any exercises he’d recommend.

            “Buy my book, also I have a DVD.”

“But are there any exercises good for Parkinson’s?”

            “All exercises. I have treated 20 people with Parkinson’s. Nobody cured, but symptoms improve, trembles go away. Can only hope.” He recommended his fasting class, that fasting would be good for me.

            I bought his DVD and drove home. That night when I went to bed I felt some discomfort in my back. I looked in the mirror. There were 6 red circles on my back and bruises arising that by morning were darker yet. So I wasn’t being a wuss. That was serious pain, but I would endure it again if I knew it would help me. I believe however, that qi gong exercise will suffice.

Re-evaluation Counseling

When I lie on the table for my FSR treatment once a week, inevitably I end up talking to Sharon about what I’ve been thinking, and lately, this past year, I have been thinking a lot about my life. Sharon seems concerned that she may not be qualified to advise me about some of my problems. So, she expressed relief when I told her I was investigating Re-evaluation Counseling, a peer-counseling system developed by Harvey Jackins.

             Cousin Leslie told me she has been involved with RC for years, thought I might benefit, and gave me a contact person in my area. Not long after I contacted the person, an introductory meeting was arranged at Sandra’s house. After learning more about the theory of RC, and practicing counseling each other, three of us, June, Meryl and I signed on for a 10-week class with Sandra.

I have had several opportunities to practice RC; the longest session was today when Meryl came to my house and we took turns speaking and listening for half an hour each. The theory is that we all are “loving, cooperative, intelligent, and zestful,” but these qualities become blocked by accumulated painful experiences. If emotional discharge can be affected, these qualities can be restored. In a counseling session, laughing, shaking or crying might achieve emotional discharge.

In RC, a person is free to talk and express himself or herself in a private session with a partner. The partner offers no feedback or advice only listens. As intelligent beings, Jackins deems that we ourselves are most qualified to solve our own problems, if we are not burdened with emotional baggage.

With a timer set, I easily talked for my half hour. I felt afterwards that I had been given a gift -- to be able to speak freely and be listened to with no apparent judgment. I think I’ve been needing that.

My Healing Routine

 

Here is the simple truth: People recover from Parkinson's when they hold the belief that recovery is possible.  Those who believe their health can improve do improve. They take responsibility for their own health and well being and commit to a program that gives their body the support it needs to heal.

                                                                                    Robert Rogers, PhD.

           

Everyday I work on healing myself. The exercises are multi-dimensional and work on different aspects of myself. Some days I do more or less, and I have added and deleted exercises over time. Following is a description of my current “routine.”

            Hopefully up before 7:00 a.m., I stretch my legs and take some deep breaths. Then I get on my Gazelle machine and struggle along for 5 minutes, which seems like a long time because it is very hard for me. I will use it 3-5 times during the day. I go downstairs to see my family before they go off for work and school.

            I eat breakfast and take all my supplements.

            Settling in my usual comfortable chair, I consult the runes. I hold the bag of stones, shuffling through them with the other hand and think about the issues in my life at the moment. I choose one, read about it in The Book of Runes and record it in my journal. I also record what exercises I did the day before.

            Next, I usually read. What I read in the morning is always some kind of spiritual or self-help book. I read for 15 -30 minutes. Then I might do Jin Shin Jyutsu. I start by pressing my palms together and then hold each of the fingers of one hand with the other hand for about a minute each. I allow my thoughts to wander or notice sensations in my body.

            Then I meditate. I have a cushion I sit on facing a glass paperweight or flowers, if I have them. I am now part way through Andrew Weiss’ 10-week course on mindfulness meditation. I count breaths, notice the spaces between breaths, or recite silently:

            I breathe in. I relax my body.

            I breathe out. I smile.

            Dwelling in the present moment –

            I know this is a wonderful moment.

            When I feel it’s time, I follow the meditation with prayer. I usually say the Serenity prayer. I pray for my family, myself, perhaps someone in need, and I express gratitude for all the good things in my life.

Then I do Kinhin, a slow walking meditation around the edges of the rug. Each step corresponds to an in or an out breath. I try to be very aware of each step and all the coordinated body movements involved in walking. 

            Finally, I do Qi Gong exercises I learned from a book called Earth Qi Gong for Women.  After the warm up exercises, I repeat the movements of the two parts of the “Deer Walk” 8 times.

Time for a protein drink, another stint on the Gazelle then I can get on with the day such as taking a shower, getting dressed, cleaning up the kitchen and so forth.

            Then I may go to FSR Therapy, a Feldenkrais, yoga or tango class depending on the day.

            Before going to bed. I will meditate, pray and perhaps do Jin Shin Jyutsu. At the end of the day I see that most of the day has been devoted to MYSELF. It may sound self indulgent, but I intend in this way to heal myself of what is said to be an incurable disease. I have to really work at it, and not only put the time into it, but all the energy I can muster to do it with my whole being.

New Treatments

I have seen a CranioSacral therapist and a nutritionist this week. Both have chiropractic licenses so I can call them doctors.

Dr. H, the CS therapist, brought a massage table to my house so I did not have to drive. The therapy was similar to other energy therapy I have had except her hands moved almost constantly following what CSTs say is the flow of fluids in my body. Afterwards, I thought about it and decided not to continue with CST. Intuitively I felt this wasn’t the right treatment for me.

Dr K, my chiropractor, recommended Dr. M who he said is 80 years old and works as a nutritionist now after a career in chiropractory. Dr. M spent over 3 hours with me although his bill said one hour. He is pumped up about nutrition and how our American diet is making us ill. Whatever he’s eating, it must be helping him -- he has a lot more energy than I do. He also had a different view of PD than what I have heard before. He says it is an inflammatory, autoimmune disease.

Dr. M performed a bioelectrical impedance analysis, which tested my body fat ratio, hydration level and cellular functions. He tested my vitamins to see if I was absorbing them properly. He did this in an interesting way. I put one vitamin at a time into my mouth, wet it with saliva, and then kept it under my tongue. Then he tested the strength of the muscles in my arm and hand. I tested strong for all the vitamins except for the most expensive, name brand multi-vitamin I had been taking. He tested me twice, with different pills and different arms and each time my muscles could not hold firm when he applied force. So therefore, he said there is something my body is reacting negatively to in this vitamin.

A year ago, I learned how to do this kind of muscle testing to see which foods are good for my system. By touching the food with one hand, the other arm can be tested for strength. I followed the results in my diet for 3 months. The foods actually corresponded with those recommended by Josef, an intuitive healer I consulted. I relaxed the diet after 3 months because I didn’t feel any improvement. I guess I didn’t totally trust an intuitive to guide me. Now I am working again on my diet, but consulting a different kind of practitioner.

Dr. M said that holding the food in the mouth is more reliable than merely touching it, but he acknowledged that that method works as well. I don’t know how it works however.

The result is I am taking stronger doses of some vitamins such as fish oil, having a protein drink 3 times a day and altering my diet. The diet is low-acid, yeast and gluten-free. All dairy and all wheat and other gluten is out. I should avoid sugar, caffeine, alcohol, citrus, fatty meats and processed foods. There are other limitations as well, but all vegetables are okay (not corn though).

I’m willing to give it my best shot, and I feel good about it. It feels good to be doing something that is a real change in my life.

My Inheritance

            I continue to light a candle on my ancestors altar. All along though, I have felt a little uncomfortable. I have remembered the ones I knew personally, and thought about the ones who died before I was born. There was poverty, homes evacuated in wartime, disease, early death, alcoholism, emigration, bad marriage, abandonment, estrangement, divorce. There was hard work, always manual labor: farming, fishing, logging, ironing, cooking. I hope there were some pleasures in life, like love and joy, assisted I know by liberal quantities of alcohol. Few that I knew were religious, or very spiritually oriented as far as I could tell. The ones, who survived, prospered and lead comfortable lives in their later years.

However, as I think of them and tentatively petition for their support and guidance, somehow I can’t see many of them in this role. Our connection is too fragile. They didn’t ask for anyone’s help, they survived and they did it stoically and without a lot of spiritual nonsense.  They weren’t, most of them, the image of the wise and nurturing matriarchs and patriarchs. Their old age and deaths were not gentle, transformative, but seemed to be lonely even bitter.

Can I respect them and appreciate them for all their qualities the noble and the flawed?

It occurred to me this week that rather than my seeking something from them; I should be the one giving and sending love out to them. Maybe that really is the point. Again, I find myself seeing the negative in a situation and realize I need to turn it around and create love, compassion, and gratitude in myself.

I haven’t been honoring the ancestors just seeing their faults. They lived, they suffered, and they did the best they could. What is my inheritance? To take what they began, and learn from it. They have already completed their lesson.

Gateway

It’s been a trying time as my efforts at self-healing produce no improvement in my physical being. In fact, the reverse seems true. Each new method added to my experiment begins hopefully. This will help me, I think, but as the weeks go by I find myself becoming weaker and less able.

            Yesterday I thought, I might as well take the Mirapex, I have two sample boxes in my bureau drawer and a prescription from Dr. V. I remembered his assurance that I would be better, his confidence that I’d achieve a return to freedom of movement. I talked about it with my husband Henry. He said he would have taken the medicine immediately.

            I thought and agonized to myself, then I went to the Internet. I looked at the Parkinson Recovery website, an alternate therapy resource. I went to Patientslikeme and read forums on people’s experiences with Mirapex. These experiences were frequently not good. I called and talked with Janet, my PD friend who is drug-free. I consulted the Runes.

            The result is I will be trying a new therapy, Cranio Sacral Therapy, recommended by Janet. I will be meeting with a nutritionist. And I am holding off on any drug taking. The main reason for not taking the drug was eloquently expressed in the Book of Runes. Today, seeking advice in my dilemma, I drew Thurisaz, the Gateway, reversed.

"Drawing Thurisaz reversed demands contemplation on your part. Hasty

decisions at this time may cause regrets, for the probability is that you will act from weakness, deceive yourself about your motives and create new problems more severe than those you are attempting to resolve."

I may be struggling physically, but my mind and spirit are well. I don’t want to damage them in an effort to help my body. And the reality is, it is not a healing drug. There are now no healing drugs for PD. But I still believe in healing, thank you very much. So I stumble on.

On Sub-Atomic Particles

 

I want to recommend a book that should be interesting to anyone who is the least bit curious about the connection between spirituality and health. Larry Dossey’s book, Healing Words; the Power of Prayer and the Practice of Medicine, is written from a doctor’s, albeit a very spiritually-oriented doctor’s point of view.

There have been scientific studies of prayer and it has been shown to be effective in healing. That doesn’t mean that all prayers are answered – it’s more complicated than that, of course. But our minds, our intentions can influence circumstances.            

Dossey says that prayer is non-local -- that it is effective at any distance, and timeless -- that it can affect the present, future and the past. He suggests that prayer functions on the level of sub-atomic particles. Everything, including our bodies contains these particles, and if prayer can influence the particles, then we can through prayer, change the state of our bodies.

In a nutshell, the most effective kind of prayer is non-directed: not seeking a specific outcome. A prayer that asks God, Universe, The Greater Powers or whatever or whomever someone prays to for the best outcome is most effective. That gives God a lot of options, I suppose. Actually, in some cases death might be the best outcome, especially if there is suffering.

As a doctor he doesn’t substitute prayer for medical treatment, but personally he was interested in all kinds of alternative therapies.  In the first chapter of the book Dossey described what occurred during his own illness when he was visited and administered to by all of his New Age friends. For a while, he cheerfully tolerated their attentions.

Eventually, however, my feelings changed. I began to experience an intense craving for solitude. I needed time to be alone and think about what was happening. To my surprise I began to resent the bright, sunny, positive assurances that I’d be well in no time…that each particular therapy was the key to my healing. (p. 20)

Dossey withdrew and began writing and said that this time of “withdrawal and solitude was highly illuminating“ and “realized there were benefits to feeling bad.”(p.21).

 The period of withdrawal, the “quiet way of  being…[was] focused, authentic, genuine, and accepting of any outcome.”(p.23) Eventually he had surgery and recovered, but looking back he found his illness had positive benefits.

I relate to what Dossey experienced. I too feel overwhelmed by suggested treatments and therapies for healing and now am feeling the desire to be alone, perhaps to process all the input--although, I am not really alone. By going within I am trying to be in touch with God, not that I’m even sure what that is. I have been open-minded to all sorts of approaches, and now, it is up to me to choose what I feel is right for me, and with prayer, learn how to listen to my inner guide.

New Year's Runes

While looking through a drawer before New Year’s, I came across the Viking Runes I was given many years ago. I then searched on my bookshelf for The Book of Runes by Ralph Blum* thinking I might consult the Runes as a party game on New Year’s Eve. A horrendous cold discouraged me from any efforts to entertain anyone with oracles, but on the first day of the New Year I curled up on the couch and read Blum’s little book.

            The Runes are not meant to be fortunetellers, but are used as tools of self-discovery. Each day since the first of the year, I have drawn one Rune stone from the bag, and read Blum’s wise interpretation of its meaning. The only problem is that two of the twenty-five stones are missing. Until I replace them, I guess they are not to be part of my inner work.

* http://www.holisticnetworker.com/440/interview-with-ralph-blum-author-the-book-of-runes/