A Big Decision

I've been having a terrible time walking lately, even just around the house. I do little baby steps and use a stick, or stumble and lurch if I want to go faster. I can skip though, even run a little, and dance, oddly enough. I have two new dance classes. One is Argentine tango for PD, the other is PD dance developed by the Mark Morris Company, a Brooklyn based modern dance troupe. I also started morning Qi Gong classes with Ruth, so I’ve been quite busy with classes, all with the goal of healing myself. Yet, I keep going downhill, with symptoms worsening.

            So, three days ago I found myself holding a little white pill in the palm of my hand, agonizing about whether I should take it. For the past 24 hours I had been extending the question to the higher powers hoping for guidance, a message: should I take drugs or not? With the Mirapex in my hand I was still not getting a message, unless it was the fear I was feeling, or the certainty that this was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Like standing at the end of a high diving board trying to decide whether to jump or not, I ended it by suddenly, impulsively, taking the leap and popping the pill in my mouth. I rationalized, I can still change my mind. I can stop at one pill.

            I closely monitored my body’s reactions. That afternoon I grew bleary with sleep during co-counseling as I tried to listen to Meryl for a half an hour. I experienced feelings of nausea and lots of hiccups. In the middle of the first night I woke up with terrible nausea and on the way to the bathroom became blind with dizziness. I curled up on the bathroom floor. When I tried to rise, it happened again. I felt like I was dying. I thought if this is what the medicine does to me I’m not taking anymore.

            When I woke up in the morning I felt fine. I decided to give the medicine more of a try. I felt short periods of nausea again the second day, but nothing terrible. I did notice a slight improvement in my walking. I was able to walk carrying a half full watering can, something I had trouble with two days before. This seemed incredible – the doc had said it would take two weeks before I felt any change, if then, but today the third day, I definitely see improvement in my walking.

            However, there are serious side effects to be wary of. I have put my family on alert, and I plan to continue the experiment to see if the benefits of the drug outweigh its possible dangers.