The Wallflower

 

I’ve turned 55. I think that still qualifies me for Early Onset PD. I don’t know. There is also Early Onset Alzheimer’s. Unfortunately one of my in-laws was recently diagnosed with it. Understandably, she is depressed. It makes me feel actually blessed to have PD.

            I have decided to walk more, especially since I can thankfully. In the fall, of course, it’s a wonderful time to walk. If winter proves harsh I have my stationary bike installed now amongst the plants in the greenhouse or my Gazelle in the bedroom to keep up the momentum. I have been going to Gentle Yoga classes twice a week, and Tango on Pine Street at least once a week.

There was a Tango Festival at the University last week. I signed up for one workshop and biked up there despite a bad ankle after window cleaning that morning. I quite forgot about my ankle and did fine dancing with college boys and visitors from out of town. In the practica following the workshop, I stuck it out for and hour dancing with one of my Pine Street classmates and one fellow from Maryland. Then I sat and watched the couples dancing. I noticed that everyone was much better than I. There were lots of men and very few women lining the walls of the room, but no one seemed very interested in dancing with me - maybe because I was cringing with embarrassment. I noticed my ankle was sore again and slipped away. I heard later from my teachers that the level of skill at each evening Milonga was high, so it’s just as well I chickened out, though I had seriously considered going to one. I’ll keep taking lessons though, and who knows, one day I too may be wowing the wallflowers.

What's Next?

 

It seems I have reached the peak and slid down the other side, but just a short way. I am functioning well at the same dosage as before, however my walking, for instance, is not as impressive. I struggle and shuffle at times. I haven’t been able to keep up a smooth walk for very long although I was able to a couple of months ago.

            I don’t want to get into an analysis of my symptoms here – a dreary description of my defects. Instead I wonder - did I think I was going to be maintained forever at the same level I was early in the drug treatment?

I had read in J.J.’s book and elsewhere that PD drugs lose their efficacy over time. I had no idea how long the Mirapex would be effective, the doctor would not tell me, and while I was enjoying the benefits I didn’t fret about my eventual decline. I don’t now. I am doing well, so much better than pre-Mirapex; only the idea that I could return to my job is less plausible.

Perhaps this journal now becomes a record of drug therapy. Will I go on to increasing my dosages until they are so high that I must shift to a new medication bringing with me new symptoms and side effects gained from the drug? Or will it be all good – a steady progression of falling into new ways of treating the disease with palliative drugs?

Or will I find that continuing with meditation, prayer, and working to change from the inside out will facilitate genuine healing? It has become harder to do this work these days. I’m distracted by all the things I can do physically. My old manic energy wants to reassert itself and take me away. I pray that it won’t, but it wakes me and keeps me awake in the middle of the night. It is that powerful.