My brother Esa died when he was 23 years old in a motorcycle accident. That was a long time ago, but in the past two days I have been “talking” with him, trying to understand our relationship and what his early death meant for me.
He was two years older than me and I understood that he was superior to me in every way. Of course he was superior to me in strength, speed and in other physical ways, but he always won every game of Monopoly, Stratego or any game we ever played. My father commented recently that Esa got better report cards than I did, which offended me, but it’s probably true. He was handsome, and early on I think most people thought he was the best looking of the family.
When he died, I found myself looking back and having difficulty finding many good memories of him. Instead I remembered all the times he mocked, teased or insulted me, calling me ugly, fat or slow, and in many ways being unkind. We didn’t talk to each other except in this kind of banter, which was sometimes humorous, but never nice. If he had friends around he looked at me scornfully and wouldn’t let me near them. When people die, especially young people who die tragically, no one criticizes them. How was I publicly to deal with my brother’s death? What I did was say nothing.
So, now I have a disease, one that I believe has a psychological source. I wonder how 21 years worth of ridicule, of my body especially, might have affected me? In my meditation practice, which is also prayer and contemplation, I have talked to Esa about this issue. I tell him it’s not his fault, and that I forgive him. And I have asked him for help, because I think he can help me, and because I think he would want to. Sadly for him and for me, he died before he had a chance to be a better person to me, his little sister.
Wow, Elisa. Very moving. Thank you for sharing. You are on the right track. Keep with this. Talk to your dopamine and get some help from your dopamine re-associating with your heart. It will help with your movement. You can do this, and you are! You have the power to heal yourself. Stay on this path. Howard
ReplyDeleteSounds sooo familiar, Elisa! I can totally relate to this. The sexism growing up was not good for our sense of self-worth, and it's soooo embedded in all our family relations. It justified brothers and fathers treating us dismissively. It kept us from being close to them. Sexism is still a hard thing to crawl out from under even at our age. It's such a healthy thing to assume that as adults we could've risen above the sexism with our dead brothers--had they lived--and had equal, supportive, mutually nurturing relationships. Perhaps... But whether it's true or not (and we'll never know), I'm sure just thinking positively that way helps the dopamine flow! LK :-)
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